I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
