I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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