just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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