Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
