I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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