Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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