Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
