turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
