I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
