He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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