I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
