two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
