the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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