She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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