Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
