just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
time to smoke my breakfast
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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