I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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