it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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