My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
