Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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