brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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