Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've blown a few things in my day
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
