I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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