he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
