I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she told me i tasted like america
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
