Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
