if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
