you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
