the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
