I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
