he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
