I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems