I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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