His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
