Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
