All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
