You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
