i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
