Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
