Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
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She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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