Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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