My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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