That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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