omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We have started to decorate penises.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
