Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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