saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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