Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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