How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize