Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
