I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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