Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
