i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
