You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
