dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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