she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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