I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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